you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
