Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
