There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
