seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
