My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize