Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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