Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
