Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
