pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
