Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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