I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
