LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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