she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
