if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
