Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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