my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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