so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
