i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
