I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
