I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
