Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize