I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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