Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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