dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
