plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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