I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
