New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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