I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
