its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
