i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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