Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I will be naked everywhere
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
