drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
