I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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