I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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