He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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