so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
