The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
