Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
