I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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