One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Why is there bacon in the couch?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
