I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
