The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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