I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
