Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
