I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
