After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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