i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
