thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
