the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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