dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
