I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
my liver is dry heaving
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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