dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
