Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
