Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
