Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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