Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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