seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
