I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
