I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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