I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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