Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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