Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
