I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
