Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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