My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
