So drunk, too bad you don't want this
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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